审稿人会让你感到绝望甚至想自杀的，当然，如果他们心情好的话，可能只需要你回到电脑前做一下修改。说真的，审稿人提出的那些无关紧要，毫无意义的问题和评论到底有什么用？

审稿人跟你的沟通要么热情诚恳，要么郑重其事，但是审稿人与期刊编辑之间的沟通就随意多了。你知道审稿人在背着你说你的哪些坏话吗？请往下看。

从2001年至2011年，《Environmental Microbiology》每年都会发布一份审稿意见集锦，让人在严肃、认真的学术研究之余体会下审稿人的幽默与诙谐，这些审稿意见有的让人开怀大笑，有的让人哭笑不得，下面列举了理文编辑最喜欢的几条，让大家见识一下什么叫史上最毒舌的最搞笑的审稿意见。

1. Reject——More holes than my grandad’s string vest!

拒发。漏洞比我爷爷的网眼背心上的网眼还多！

2. “Done! Difficult task, I don’t wish to think about constipation and faecal flora during my holidays! But, once a referee, always and anywhere a referee; we are good boy scouts in the research wilderness. Even under the sun and near a wonderful beach.”

搞定了！太不容易了。我才不想装着一脑子便秘和粪便菌落来度假。但是，一朝做了审稿人，永远都是审稿人，到哪儿都是审稿人。在科学研究的荒漠中，我们是勇敢的童子军。即使在洒满阳光的沙滩上也是。哼！

3. “This paper is desperate. Please reject it completely and then block the author’s email ID so they can’t use the online system in future.”

这篇论文烂到家了。请彻底拒稿，然后封了作者的账号，免得他日后继续投稿。

4. “The writing and data presentation are so bad that I had to leave work and go home early and then spend time to wonder what life is about.”

写作水平和数据展示让我整个人都不好了，我不得不提前下班，早点回家，甚至开始怀疑人生。

5. “The biggest problem with this manuscript, which has nearly sucked the will to live out of me, is the terrible writing style.”

这篇稿件的写作风格太糟糕了，审得我都不想活了。

6. “The presentation is of a standard that I would reject from an undergraduate student.”

就算回到本科生时期，我都会拒掉这种水平的投稿。

7. “This paper is awfully written. There is no adequate objective and no reasonable conclusion. The literature is quoted at random and not in the context of argument. I have doubts about the methods and whether the effort of data gathering is sufficient to arrive at a useful conclusion.”

这篇论文写得太烂了。目的不明确，结论不合理。引文都是乱引的，跟正文的论证完全对不上号。我怀疑这样的实验方法，也怀疑他们收集的数据不足以得出有效结论。

8. “Season’s Greetings! I apologise for my slow response but a roast goose prevented me from answering emails for a few days.”

节日快乐！回复慢了，真抱歉。有一只烤鹅妨碍我，让我几天都没顾得上回邮件。

见识过了审稿人的毒舌和幽默，再来见识一下审稿人怎么夸人。但当审稿人遇到非常棒的论文，也会给出衷心的好评。

1.“Very much enjoyed reading this one, and do not have any significant comments. Wish I had thought of this one.”

这篇论文读起来简直是一种享受，没有任何意见。这么好的点子我当初怎么没想到！

2.“There was little I could think of to improve this nice paper.”

这篇论文好得我都不知道要怎么改了。

3.”This is as solid a write up as I have seen, many spend much more time and space to say considerably less. It is a perfect example of a compact report.”

这是我见过的最确凿的报告，许多人花更多时间精力写出来的比这个差多了。作为一篇翔实的报告，这是一个完美的例子。

4.”landmark paper on P. putida physiology.”

假单胞菌生理学研究的里程碑

5.”It is always a joy to review manuscripts such as this. Well conceived, well executed, well edited. Clean. Pristine. From start to finish.”

评审这样的稿件是件人生乐事：构思周详，实施得当，写得漂亮。干净，纯朴，从头至尾。

以上审稿意见摘自于Referees‘ quotes—2010. (2010) Environmental Microbiology。